For years, I was so drown to Murakami books. I was reading them with such a joy and felt connected with it’s heroes in a deep, inexplicable way. At some point, I started wondering why I’m so drowned to these characters and stories about people experiencing suicide and despair. I was even considering that I might be suicidal at some level. I was not particularly unhappy, I just loved reading Murakami’s books. They were comforting in a strange way.
I forgot about that and, after some time, started reading Irvin Yalom’s books. Yalom is an existentialist that explains in such a good way fear of death. He says all people have this fear. They deal with it at some point of life, most often when they are at the sunset of their lives, questioning is there a meaning to it all. We all have this fear, but we are just so busy with our lives, we usually don’t even consider it.
At some point, I remembered Murakami and it became clear to me. Dealing with this fear is what was so exciting about his books. They often talk about people who’s friends committed a suicide. These people had to get over their pain in some way. They had to face this lost of all meaning and explain it in some way. At the end, living a life and finding a purpose gives an answer.
Yalom is so special for me because it appeals to the rational side of my mind that will take no ferry tales or disbelieves to comfort and alleviate this fear. It takes a courage to face desperation of life with no God or some other force that will protect us. We have to protect ourselves. We have to make a life worth living without a reward afterwards.
It also gave me an insight about how concealed and deceptive are fears. It can take years to explain and get over fears. Of course I’m still afraid of death, but determination not to lie to myself is what makes me strong. It is what makes me courageous. It is what makes the best of me. This will serve as a good purpose for a while.