It got me thinking. What would a ten year old me think of me now? Would she be disappointed? Would she be impressed? Would she like me? Would we feel connected? It is hard for me to think about that, because I’m so scared of what would this really innocent, really wonderful person think of me.
Sometimes I think she would be very disappointed. She did imagine she would be a writer or a scientist, and never, oh, never an engineer. And exactly that happened. She imagined she would run marathon some day. She imagined she would at some point become real grown up, live some comfy life that never happened. At least not the way she would imagine. Big family, trust and security and some nicer, more tender way of living. She never thought she will have so much trouble quitting smoking.
Other times I think she would be trilled because so many things that she could not imagine, actually happened and, for these moments, these wonderful adventures, I imagine she would be proud of me. I still hope to run marathon some day. It is not impossible. My mindset is definitely suitable for a marathon run. I think she would appreciate that.
Life turned out to be far more messier than she imagined. I don’t think she could handle that. I could not handle that for a long time. Maybe finally the two of us could find some agreement about things in life. When I started writing this post ten days ago and left it unfinished, this didn’t cross my mind. But maybe that is the point. For a child and adult in me to find compromise and start living together in peace and understanding. After realizing that, it is easier for me to accept this innocent creature inside me knowing all of my mistakes. Accepting makes a good start toward balanced life. She should always be there, knowing my mistakes and forgiving them. And also admiring me for all the other stuff.