I’m happy. I’ve been trough a lot, but I’ve learned about myself more then ever. I’ve accepted my flaws. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to believe in myself when no one else believes in me. I learned to love and respect myself. I learned that loving others is not only giving them the best of yourself, but accepting them as they are and letting them go. I finally accepted that it is OK that I need other people. I’ve learned that I don’t need a lot to be happy, but I do need the right stuff. And that is OK. That is the point.
Learning to comfort myself
Well, this was tricky. It was a surprise for me to find out that I actually really haven’t been the best friend to myself. I’ve been this judgemental, petty friend that would react to my every move with malicious comment, killing my self esteem and bringing me down. I really became aware of this when I stopped doing it.
At some point, my inner voice changed. It stopped saying: “You screwed up!”. Instead, one day, I just heard it say: “OK, you made a mistake. You learned something from it. Next time it will be better. This was good practice. You are getting better.” I was really surprised when it happened. It was one of the most magic moments in my life. This is how a friend would sound.
Being pissed or sad or any feeling in between is OK
I had a really big problem with this. For me, it was not allowed to feel negative stuff. If I felt it, I treated them as a mistake I had to correct. I would just try to forget about it and never speak or think of these feelings again. From today’s point of view, I’m wondering how I ever stayed alive like that for so long. This load of crappy feelings were just pushed under a carpet and ignored, eating me from the inside.
Now, it is different. When I’m sad, I’m sad. I don’t ignore it. I try to heal myself. If I’m mad at someone, I say it. I get into a fight if I have to. This made me realized that I actually am afraid of many people. It is hard. And I deal with it. But I stand up for myself and do what is best for me. I was not aware of the fact that I’m scared of many people. But after facing them, I was not so scared. Before I decided to face them, I told some of my friends that I’m scared. And they were very surprised, maybe even judgemental. “How can you be afraid?”, there eyes were saying. I had an urge to say I’m kidding or something like that, just to get out of the uncomfortable situation. But I decided not to do it. I was just standing there, looking them in the eye and saying: “I’m scared.” After that facing a person I’m scared of was much more easy.
Believe in change
I spent most of my life in firm believe that things can not change. And they didn’t. My firm believe was that there is nothing I can do to make a difference. The truth was that I could not change some things in my life that were important for me to be better. I really couldn’t. But disappointment and discouragement was so thrice that I started to believe I can’t change anything. This was so poisonous. It got me stuck in the same place for so long. Starting to believe I can make a difference was uprising. It gave me confidence and strength to get myself out of the bad situations. It is the most optimistic thought a person can have. Things will be better because I will make them better.